Committing again after any break up is difficult, however after enduring years of emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse, re-committing yourself to someone again can be a serious challenge.
It’s difficult to unlearn what we’ve learned…To unsee what we’ve witnessed…And to erase what we’ve heard. These memories become so engrained in our identity, that it takes a lot of internal work (and patience) to undo the damage that’s been done.
After 18 years of multiple toxic relationships, I personally had enough.
“What was wrong with me?”
“Why does the same thing keep happening to me?”
“Why am I so messed up???”
“Am I ever going to have a normal/healthy relationship?”
“Why can other’s find healthy love and I can’t?”
These are all of the questions that ran through my head. I couldn’t understand why I was so messed up…Why I kept repeating the same painful cycles over and over again…And why I was only attracted to men that brought the worst out of me.
But after leaving my last relationship behind, I realized that if I wanted something different, I would have to be different. So I did everything in my power to understand myself on a deeper level and come to terms with my unresolved emotions in order to one day experience a healthy kind of love.
Because the truth is, everything in our reality is a manifestation of our internal world. Meaning what we experience internally (our thoughts and feelings) is what gets projected externally. Therefore, if we are in a painful relationship per say, the issue is not with the other person, but rather with ourselves, because if we felt good inside and generated thoughts and feelings of love, we wouldn’t tolerate mistreatment, nor would we inflict that kind of pain on others, however, if we think and feel negatively about ourselves, we will manifest that energy into our reality by attracting and reenacting painful experiences that mirror what we are experiencing inside.
It took me two years of being on my own to feel comfortable with committing again. I didn’t want to go through that pain…I wanted my next relationship to be healthy, respectful, understanding, loving and kind…And being with Miles has been just that, (minus a few minor issues that have risen due to my traumatic background).
The thing is, as much as we can heal on our own, the real test is how we do when we get put back on the playing field (aka a new relationship). Because that’s where we can actually see if we’ve healed, if we’ve changed our behaviors, if we’ve learned to set boundaries, if we’ve truly found our individuality and if we can be vulnerable again.
It’s been two years that I’ve been with Miles, and I’m so proud to say that it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. But I would be lying if I said that my insecurities don’t sometimes come out.
“Is he going to leave me?”
“Is he going to get tired of me?”
“Is he going to cheat on me?”
“Is he going to get mad at me if I say this or do that?”
These thoughts definitely get brought to my attention from time to time, however instead of reacting to them and projecting them onto him, my new found self-awareness allows me to see things as they are and not what I’m making them mean.
Because if we don’t work on resolving our issues and traumas, we will project and recreate those very same experiences in our current or future relationships.
Self-awareness is key.
Self-love is key.
Knowing your values is key.
And knowing that you will always be okay, no matter what happens, is essential.
Here are different techniques I used with myself and my clients to heal the pain from previous toxic relationships…
MINDFULNESS – The practice of being in the present moment and finding your power in the here and now. This was life changing for me because it allowed me to leave my past behind. I no longer allowed who I was and what I’ve been through to haunt my present moment. It allowed me to see that I could be and have whatever I wanted, despite my painful past.
MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION – This teaching helped me practice self-love…To be mindful of when I was being critical or harsh to myself, to realize that everyone goes through pain, and to show myself compassion during challenging times, just as I would show compassion to a friend that was suffering.
COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY- Allowed me to become more aware of my thought process, helping me see that my thoughts effect the way I feel, which in turn effects the actions I take (and vice versa). Knowing these patterns have been life changing as it gives me more control of my life and my reactions.
AFFIRMATIONS- Usually our self-talk isn’t the nicest. We tend to say hurtful things about ourselves, which in turn don’t make us feel very good. Words are powerful, they define our reality…And by saying positive affirming statements about ourselves on a regular basis, we are training our subconscious mind (the most powerful driving force in our lives) to believe in it’s truth.
REFRAMING- This is an NLP and a CBT technique that allows us to change the way we perceive something. This is so helpful because we typically have opinions and meanings for everything, and sometimes those meanings can bring a lot of conflict in our lives. By reframing, we can change the meaning of whatever it is we want in order to make us feel better about a situation, or perhaps see a situation from a different perspective.
HYPNOSIS- Hypnosis is a wonderful technique that speaks directly to our subconscious. Our subconscious mind runs 95% of our lives…It stores our memories, emotions and beliefs that we typically repress. These repressed experiences tend to damage our lives if we don’t resolve them. By using Hypnosis, we can relax our mind enough to speak directly to the subconscious and suggest different (more supportive thoughts) in order to experience a different outcome in our life. IT’S AMAZING.
If you are ready for change, I specialize in coaching women how to overcome their patterns of toxic relationships and experience healthy love by using and teaching you these very tools. CLICK HERE to learn more.